“I often think I dislike driving. In reality, it’s city driving that makes me grim. Country roads can be ridden forever.” – Old Sean
Long Cross
Traversing the United States horizontally is always a deceptively long trip, especially after making a relatively short jaunt across the north-south roads.
It doesn’t help that the northernmost states are known as “small.” True, on the scale of the US, the New England area is more compact, but with dense woods, mountains and dense cities, it takes considerable time to make it through. Furthermore, just because these states are “smaller” doesn’t actually make them small.
My first job was getting out of the New England area, which naturally took much longer than expected. After taking the ferry back to Staten Island, getting all the way out of the narrow, twisty roads that define the northeast, I finally made it into Pennsylvania, aiming towards Mattoon, Illinois.
Pennsylvania
Let me first say that Pennsylvania mountains don’t get nearly enough credit. Due to the cusp of a season change as well as elevation differences, I was able to spot trees going through their springtime blooms, late rain-season pollen bursts and full summer vibrancy.
The roads wound dramatically, the number of state parks was overwhelming and signs popped up with haunting frequency warning against potential creatures bounding into the road. The forest was a wide range of pinks, rustic browns, emerald greens, whitish flowers and pale, burgeoning lime-colored leaves.
I zoomed through Pennsylvania quickly enough, stopping only in the odd town of Columbia to see the Charles Dicken’s town, which was unfortunately closed by the time I arrived. I ended up pushing through the night to eventually reach Egypt Valley Wildlife Area, where I camped for the night. This would turn out to be my final night setting up a tent in the wilderness. It was an uneventful campsite, but I did see a lobster-like mudbug scooting around my parking space.
Into the Midwest
The rest of my drive brought me to the true center portion of the United States Midwest. And it was… about what I expected, only more.
Trump flags. Trump 2020 flags. Confederate flags. Don’t Tread on Me flags. A couple of Black Lives Matter Flags also appeared, but usually only around city centers. There was also, bizarrely, a confederate flag sewed into an American flag, which seems like it sort of missed the point of the confederacy with that visual statement. A Trump 2024 flag also caught my eye.
Wild. I’ll never personally understand the appeal of the guy, though his following is substantial and apparently lasting.
Finally, in the early morning I made it to Mattoon to visit my supremely good friend, Hank.
Put bluntly, Hank is a hero I know from college who also happens to be a truly marvelous chef.
Greater Gluttony
Whenever I visit, Hank rolls out the culinary red carpet. My next two days were spent in a state of absolute gluttony. We had heavy hash and egg benedict for breakfast, followed by jerky and cookie snacks for lunch.
Dinner was every part of a snack with crab mac and cheese and a steady stream of beer to wash it all down, culminating in a series of ginger and whiskey mixes. The next day was equally gluttonous, but the high point was visiting the world’s first Burger King.
See, Mattoon has a Burger King, but not part of the franchise that rivaled McDonald’s in the 90’s. Instead, this fast food joint had the naming rights and could have potentially won a lawsuit against Burger King the franchise, but there was a settlement outside of court. This resulted in a penny being paid to the singular, original Burger King every time a Whopper was sold.
Needless to say, they’re doing fine. Eating their ice cream is top notch and they have a special hard candy they put on top that’s locally known as “eyes.” Highly recommended.
With all this food, I essentially just stopped moving, aside from a brief visit to visit Hank’s family. I’ve never spent so much time on a sofa, and I was quick to enjoy more of Auntie Donna’s Big House of Fun, as well as some war documentaries Hank recommended
We also watched a couple of great movies and a truly desolate spoof of Taken called Tooken. I do not recommend Tooken.
It was a very lazy weekend. But what can I say?
Absolute Hank corrupts absolutely.
Idle Entertainment
The only thing we did of potential productivity was rearrange the magnets on the fridge to make funny sentences:
“Would you like your body suit as your clothes?”
“I’ve seen storms through pink.”
“Better beat men in my dream bed.”
“I wanna but the elaborate symphony wouldn’t rock.”
“I thought that was all a drunk piece of heaven.”
“I don’t have sweet directions to arm your heart.”
“Buy you raw.”
“This bitter, sexy goddess sings about we delirious thousand.”
“Kiss me, die happy.”
“Should I just you, or is it too repulsive?”
And so on.
Southernly
I said goodbye to Em and Hank the next day, also bidding farewell to their dogs, Butters (English Bulldog) and Rigby (not an English Bulldog).
It was, for all intents and purposes, my very last visit on my trip. I trundled towards St. Louis, where I was to meet my friend from high school Thomas and my friend from college, Jack.
So until I reach on of the United States central, gateway cities,
Best regards and excellent trails,
Old Sean
Written May 18th 2021
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The GoPro Hero Black is my go to Action camera. I’m not comfortable bringing my cell phone to many wet and rugged locations, so the GoPro does most of my photographic heavy-lifting. The only things I bring in my GoPro kit are the camera, a spare battery and the forehead mount. I upgrade my GoPro once every two years. It was particularly excellent to have during my aquatic tour of Belize.
